We used to be two peas in a pod I would tell her everything, she was my confidant and I know that she was proud of me in all the accomplishments that I have made in my life great or small ( she would proudly show off my UGLY hand drawn pictures proudly and the day I graduated high school top ten of my class she glowed) My mom battled her drug habit and was successful she was sober for over 21 years...but then sadly life just bogged her down.
I could never imagine losing my mother in death I could only imagine how it would feel. I think that is when everything went down hill, she didn't have her own mother to uplift her and tell her how wonderful she was, just like she would do for my sisters and I so many times.
Well soon she began to cover up her pain not with illegal drugs but legal ones as well as alcohol and she became a person that I have never seen before. I would battle with her so called "new friends" and express to her that they can't love her or need her as much as we do. but to no avail she just sank deeper and deeper in her misery. It saddens me because for a time I would be right there with her miserable, my marriage suffered because of this and I almost lost an important person in my life.
I began weaning myself away from all the craziness, One thing my beautiful mother would always say is NEVER allow anyone to bring you down! and I thank her for that advice it was just hard to realize that they person trying to bring me down the most in my life was at one time my best friend. Her "new friends" made her believe that everyone was out to get her and that no one could understand her the way that they do. She is still hanging with her so called new crew. and they are going to be with her to her bitter end if she doesn't snap out of it and get the help I know she deserves. I just want to tell her that even though I have to say goodbye for now I want her to know that I am grateful for everything she has taught me whether it was good or bad. she has made me the women that I am and I hope that I can be half the mother she was to me, to my own child one day.
I will always remember the way you looked at me... PROUD.
I wrote a poem a while back and I just feel like now is the time to share it so here is goes.
A mothers Love
A mothers love is supposed to be unconditional
A love that would make your child feel sure.
So why does your love for me feel like a competition?
Am I the women that you wanted me to be?
Determined and loving with so many possibilities.
Yet you back stab me to try and slow my pace,
When you're supposed to be my partner to guide me in life's race.
You smile in my face as you tell me lies. And you have the nerve to wonder why I had to say goodbye.
Your words are no longer confirmation that what you say is true. I know I will be strong in my life without you.
This women I see before me is not who I'll remember.
A women who would do anything to get her next fix.
I'll remember the mother who walked me to school, loved me, taught me, made me laugh,
these were your greatest gifts.
You smile in my face as you tell me lies. And you have the nerve to wonder why I had to say goodbye.
Your words are no longer confirmation that what you say is true. I know I will be strong in my life without you.
My love for you is still unconditional but through your pain you can't see.
You have a new love now
open your eyes can't you see it's deceiving.
You say it calms you and is there for you like a "true friend"
But it's lauging behind your back because it knows it has you in it's clutches
ready to see you till your very end.
You smile in my face as you tell me lies. And you have the nerve to wonder why I had to say goodbye.
Your words are no longer confirmation that what you say is true. I know I will be strong in my life without you.
I've tried everything to make you see you're not alone in this world.
Trying to be the great daughter that you always wanted me to be.
You laugh in my face and run off with your "new crew"
And it's because of them that I must say....I have to be through with you.
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